From Silence to Understanding: When Letting Go Means Moving Forward

I’ve been ignoring Abbie, my elder daughter, for almost three weeks without actively talk to her. Honestly, I was feeling worry - didn’t know what to do. I didn't know if I should stop the endless ignoring that I had started in the first place. I’ve checked my “original intention” deep inside me for many times. Is it love? Or is it my fear transforming into my ego? I'm certain it's love.

Here's how it started. I'm a father of two wonderful girls—Abbie and Audrey. Our relationships are very good, but not between Abbie and Audrey. Abbie, in her adolescence, has built up some selfish habits that I don't know where they come from. She refuse to help and share in the family especially in front of his younger daughter Audrey. Three weeks ago, I had an argument with Abbie for this frequently happened selfishness she did to Audrey.

I asked Abbie:

“What would happen if we all in this family not willing to help and share with each others. Your mother prepares meals for the family. I do the dishes cleaning for the family. Your mother work hard to take care of both of you in the family. I work hard to earn a living for the family. Everyone in this family shares effort and helps each other.”

Abbie didn't respond after my “long-winded” explanation. Then I was like

“Do you like to go your way of not sharing or our way for sharing within the family?”

She was kept silence without a word. Then I pissed off and push further by yelling:

“Tell me, you want to choose your way or our way!”

A thought flashed through my mind.

"What if I let Abbie do everything herself for a while? Then she'll realize how much we've been helping her—things she's always taken for granted."

Then she cried out:

“I choose my way!”

I asked

“For how long?”

She cried out:

“As long as I say stop!”

I thought

“This is good. I expect she will say stop in 3 days.”

Unexpectedly, things didn’t go as my expectation. The next thing I aware, it is already three weeks. I reconsider almost every other day—should I stop and start talking with Abbie again? She keeps silent and doesn't want to be the first to break the ice. I've decided no—I want her to face the consequences of her choice for once. Until today.

In this morning, I joined a Zoom conversation called Dealing with Change E-treat. It is a real time two way interactive event. To cut to the chase, a lady asked Neale, the program host, a question. She was struggle with dealing her father issue. She love and care her father so much. At the same time, she's in pain trying to get her father to think more positively, while her father struggles with negative thoughts and refuses to change as she advises. I can’t agree more and completely understand her feeling.

As a father, I've failed to change my daughter's mindset for the better. As a coach, I often fail to change my students' mindsets too—even though I see the problems so clearly.

You won’t believe that. The wisdom and the surprise come from Neale’s response. That wisdom woke me up. I decided to change things today—with my daughter (and I did). Going forward, I'll approach my students and friends differently too.

Here's my version of Neale's response, adapted for my own situation.

My instant thought was:

"What the—? I'm not here to be a people pleaser. I want to influence my family, friends, and others so that they find their happiness."

I know this is the right path forward. I'm grateful for what I learned—or rather, was reminded of—by Neale today.

I'm so happy that I’ve reestablish our communication channel with Abbie this afternoon. I've decided to actively listen and encourage more communication instead of offering opinions and instructions. Hope this can inspire you too.